Thoughts

Have you tried to kill yourself so badly, and ended up failed?

I tried to kill myself when I was doing my PhD, this incident was not the first time, but it had given me some thoughts.

On that day...

I tried to hang myself using the scarf, but I broke the structure of the building, and fell flat onto the floor. The scarf was fine.

I then tried to kill myself by jumping off the window, but there were scaffoldings outside the hundred years old building at that time.

I tried to find some pills to swallow, but I only found vitamin supplements, which won't help me getting weak.

I tried to find a knife to cut myself, only to find that the knives were all rusty, cause I haven't been cooking for very long. It couldn't even penetrate my skin.

I eventually decided to die of starvation. But strangely enough, a friend of mine, whom I have not been contacting for quite some time, knocked at my door, and brought me some food to share. I was surprised why was he so free on that day, and he told me it was a public holiday. So, in a way, no one noticed my absence at work on that day.

I felt like the world's lousiest suicider that day.

Anyway, the reason I say this is because, I don't think any of the problem I am facing today is as difficult as those I have faced during my PhD, intellectually and emotionally. Nonetheless, I want to remind myself that I shouldn't walk back the same path, that I have neglected everything in my life, just to get stuck by the problem -- I had forgotten to take my supplements, forgotted to cook, forgotted that British were odd that they decided to do building maintenance work during winter, even forgotten what day it was that day.

There are problems in life that worth our pondering effort, but some of them, it's just not worth it. If I neglected everything in life to sort these problems, my world will be empty, and I will be depressed if my world is only to solve shitty problems.

I received some words of thoughts during my visit to Tzu Chi Melacca Charity Oroganisation on Sunday:

不简单的事 仍坚持去做 才是真本领
困难的事 能够去突破 才是真勇气

The direct translation roughly carries the meaning below:

Having the persistence to solve those not-so-easy things, it is considered smart.
Finding the breakthrough from difficult things, it is called bravery.

I tell myself that I should acquire for three things to make a complete life:
Bravery, Wisdom and Confidence.

How much Bravery do I need in order to level up?
How much Wisdom do I need in order to level up?
How much Confidence do I need in order to level up?

I feel like there are three bars above my head, gauging the levels of each elements. Just like those characters in the RPG games...

I wonder if there are any potions that can top up these elements in life?

My Confidence and Bravery is dropping real quick, and my Wisdom doesn't seem to grow fast enough... My daily encounter with all these nonsence in Project Departments have isolated me with my friends, and I am becoming like a nerdy nut.

I need to find a way out.