Busy

This week has been really busy for me. It started with an unexpected email, saying that there are 4 fans waiting for me to perform balancing.

There were some hickups along the way, and it took me whole week to successfully balance only two fans. The other two were having some manufacturing fault, that we would only be able to get hold of the third fan next week.

I will be going to Missouri next week for one or two days to help with a performance test. So I won't be able to balance those dang fans before the delivery date. I hate it when my schedule are so out of my control, due to some other people's lack of organisation skills. And I have to work extra hours, free of charge, to patch it up. I mean, my trip to Missouri next week is expected to work for 16 hours a day...

I am about to fall sick.

I really want to extend the training schedule, because I can't do my job properly with everything cramp together, just to satisfy someone-else's target date.

The crazy schedule is going to continue until many months to come. I am feeling less and less control of the training plans. It feels like the daily fire fighting in Malaysia office, but with less childish colleagues like you get in Malaysia.

Anyway, I went to pick some pears with some friends today, then practise sign language with them in the library in the afternoon, and went to airport to pick up my colleague and her husband in the evening. Whole day gone just like that... I really wish to have a good rest tomorrow before the next hectic week starts again.

I wish to go jogging again in the morning, feel the fresh air, and the chill in the late summer morning. Let's see if I could wake up.

Costly Trade Off

I have a dream, which is to study astronomy.

I was forced to take an alternative, to study engineering, because astronomy won't feed me well.
Now I have the money to fund my own studies, it would cost me something else to enter the school of astronomy -- a life.

You see, as you work, you will not be able to study full time. But in Malaysia, even part time almost impossible. It is also a place where the education system sucks big times. So even if I have the money, and there were astronomy courses in the universities there, I wouldn't invest myself into it -- I have already wasted 10 years in my life compensating a compromised I made 10 years ago. I don't want to make a compromisation again on things that I like now, especially when I have to use my own money to pay for it.

If I were to choose chasing for my dreams, I would have to leave Malaysia. That would also mean, high chance I won't go back, because I couldn't get a job when I returned with astronomy degree. That would mean, I would need to break up my 10 years relationship, and separate from my family.

The consequence of this, would be, I would end up alone for the rest of my life, got an astronomy degree (provided I could graduate), and work in some real nerdy and geeky working environment that has limited contact with human being, with a content feeling in my heart. I could see my dead body rot away in a shabby old apartment for weeks until someone called the management and complain about the foul smell.

If I don't do that, I would continue learning 101 different things, trying to fill up the empty hole in my heart for astronomy, got married and have kids, continue to curse the government, education and traffic in Malaysia, and let regrets and frustrations suck my life out of me. I could see myself growing into a naggy, demanding and frustrating old lady, that no one would like to spend time with.

Both have goods and bads. Either way, I would be left alone. Wouldn't it make more sense if I at least have my dreams with me?

A visit to Alzheimer nursing home

I was too bored, and found out Tzu Chi Organisation has a group in Kansas.
So I called them earlier this week, and found out they have this visit to the local nursing home today.

Went to the nursing home this afternoon. This is the first time I came in contact with Alzheimer and Dementia patients.

There were some simple interactive games and music instrument performances, but the folks seemed expressionless. And I thought we were just making a fool of ourselves, but I changed my mind when...

When I sat next to two old men and started to bring up some conversations, it striked me that they actually had very clear and attentive eyes, but one of them just can't respond to me. The other one could carry conversation, but can't control his body. His son lives nearby, but hardly drop by. He has a very pretty wife, who is 3 years younger than him.

I also sat next to a lady, who kept tapping her stiffened fingers on her laps, whenever music is on. She has a very strict and proud look. We were a pair when there was this finger exercise. She was pretty active, and was very friendly.

When one of the performer playing Beatles' Let It Be, she said she loved it. I can see she used to have long and slender fingers, cause even when they are crooked now, they are still longer than mine. I asked if she knows how to play piano, she said she used to play when she was young. You could tell she is a very well mannered lady, because even with all these difficulties, she still put on lipsticks and nail polish, without drawing them out of the lines.

But you could also see that she has a lot of stories, when she thanked me for being nice to her. I nearly cried, because it somehow showed how much a person could change, when facing with illness and age.

When all of us are young and healthy, who would have thought, one day they would become like this? Who would like to show their ugly side in front of others, especially when there are still some sanity left in us? The last thing they need is sympathy, what they need is respect.

I don't have a punch line to say, because I don't know how to calm myself down until I need to drive to Target and spend some money getting some junk food -- Tortillas, chocolates, cookies etc, bring them home and gallop them down my stomach. I felt better when my stomach is full, because the last thing I could do, were to show my tears when talking to them -- I tried real hard holding it in when I was there.

What's your choice and why?

Which one would you like to be in?
1. Being the last student in A class.
2. Being the first student in E class.

Which one would you like to be in?
A. You earn 10k and your neighbour earns 5k.
B. You earn 50k and your neighbour earns 100k.

My choise is 1, B.

1 Because, being in A class, I have the best teachers and more chances for enrichment. I wouldn't be a public enemy among my classmates.

B Because the difference is big enough that I wouldn't be bothered to think about it. Although on the second thought, the 50k is actually more than 10k.

Confused

I guess I must have had a crazy week, that my head is now all messed up, and can't think straight.

I am too full, yet keep feeding myself with food.
I am too tired, yet can't fall asleep.
I am too confused, yet don't know how to clear my mind.
I am not rich enough, yet spending so much.
I am gainning fat enough, yet feeling reluctant to exercise.
I have a healthy body and a stable job, yet I am not happy.

Everytime when I receive requests sent from our Malaysia office, I feel scared. It is kinda like having a good dream, but having the constant fear, that the alarm clock would ring, and bring you back to the cruel reality.

It feels like Monday 6am, when you are half awake, and somehow know that the alarm clock would ring anytime now, but you just don't want to climb out of the bed just yet to start the week.

I guess the only reason I can pull through until today, is because I am genuinely contented with the life I have here in USA, even it is just for a short period of time. Because I feel like I am living in a dream. Nothing is real, and nothing could last, so I need to cherish every single moment. And because of that, nothing would become a chore, and I am thoroughly enjoying it.

I wonder if I could store these feel good energy in cans, and bring them back to Malaysia?
Last time, my 8 years stocks of feel good cans used up within 1 year after returning to Malaysia.

Mature Society

This topic was inspired by CX, my friend who has just started working in the company I always wanted to join.

As a newbie, he experienced something all of us would have been through, in fact, I myself is facing similar issues here. We generally don't understand what are these seniors talking about.

"What about the GHI? Do you think it is affected by it?"
"The EDP is planning to speak to ABC about the RTUs this Wednesday."
"The two twenty fice shaft has a lip seal, oh no, it has the labyrinth."
"Vibration issue at XYZ, ten mils at three times fan speed. Three sixty six, HP seven, ten. Twelve fifty eight, four thousand box, one eight hundred rpm, one fifty horse, four hundred shaft, VFD."

Tell me as a reader, what do you understand from these sentences above? By the way, these sentences are not connected, in case you wonder if it is a conversation.

Sounds like a Morse code isn't it? That's the kind of frustration we all faced when starting to work. We understood partially what they were talking about, but not quite enough for us to ask a question, because we don't even know where and how to start asking a question.

Few months ago, I would have just sit through the whole discussion without asking a single thing, and left the table with my head grown twice as big as it was before the discussion. Frustration started to build up, until one point, I just made a joke out of it.

"Listening to you guys talking, made me feel like watching ER. It is like a bunch of surgeons were behind the curtain dissecting the problem, and I am watching at the other side of the curtain. I see only the silhuoette of what is going on."

Though it is more efficient for the folks to talk in abbreviations and jargons, it is not efficient for newbies like us to learn. I understand that newbies have to try catching up with the speed, but the rate of the folks not slowing down a little, there is no way anyone would benefit from the scenario.

One thing I have witnessed in USA, is that people are generally willing to adapt when you raised an issue that could be solved. First, you must raised your concern, and be open and honest about it. If you don't fight for yourself, no one would. People don't have time to slow down and ask if you are following.

This is what I love about working here. Open, and willing to share.

Unlike working in Malaysia, when you raised a question, typical answer would be "You are not experienced enough, that's why you won't know." or, "It is faster for me to do it myself, than teaching you."

People are so afraid of losing their job in Malaysia, up to the point that they become protective over what they know, and reluctant to teach others.

That brought to my other concern.

I have committed a sin in July -- spending too much. I didn't bring enough clothes to begin with, so I went to purchase some. Also went for holiday with friends to Lake of Ozark, and two sports games. So basically, I spent money every weekend in July. Huge amount, at least to me.

But things I bought aren't lavish decoratives, those events I joinned aren't everyday occassions, it was for the sake of experience.

Take for example, a Docker's trouser, $35. I think it is worth it, because I couldn't even get such quality trouser back home, and this trouser is good for office wear, and for casual wear, for summer and winter.

A pair of Docker's in Malaysia, easily goes beyond RM150. The average earning power is not as high as USA. Let's say both earns 4000 a month. $35 is less than 1% of the USA earning, while 150 is close to 4% of the Malaysia earning. Not to mention Docker's in Malaysia has no female pants.

It sucked to be a female engineer in Malaysia, because all the trousers are so damn low cut, that once you bend down, you either show your underwear, or your buttock. The shirts there are short too, unlike those I found in USA, so damn long that it could cover your buttock.

I really haven't realised how small the money is until I come to USA. Even in UK, my spending power was strong, thanks to the GBP value. Then I wonder, how do those Malaysian spend those money on Coach handbags, Burberry, D&C, CK etc? Where do they get the money from?

I guess my point is, people has become the slaves of $, and securing a job means a lot to people in Malaysia. You just can't afford to lose your job, if you want to live decently. Let's forget about career, when one is trying hard just to survive.

Anyway, I guess I whined a lot... and the contents strayed too far from the title... let's just end this entry here.