How much strength do I need?

I have typed out an entry yesterday and it disappeared when I wanted to publish.

I have a very nonsense day today, so I really need some positive charge now. So I decided to re-write my thoughts.

As my violin class is organised by Tzu Chi Organisation, each of us needs to prepare a short presentation based on the Jing Si Aphorisms.

The theme for yesterday was something along the line -- Good hearts always get good days.

It kept me thinking, it is hard to have a positive / good hearts at all time. I am an utterly pessimistic person. Before anything can take place, I would spend all my energy to think of what could have gone bad, and started to plan for it.

To me, good things come as a bonus, I shouldn't feel worry for a bonus; but I don't want to get caught up with bad situation unprepared. I feel that it is my duty to be prepared at all time, cause bad things can happen anytime, any place. I feel guilty to be happy and relax, I feel sinful to enjoy. My bow is pulled so tense, that I am prepared to release the arrows whenever the war starts.

I also feel that it is bad to acknowledge my own credits, cause it will usually bring more attentions to myself, and hence more bad things can happen. Whenever there is a good thing happening, I tried to keep it away from as many people as possible. I do not know how to carry myself when people acknowledge me; be it genuine, or sour grapes, I feel out of place to hear all these, and do not know how to carry myself with what I deserved.

I have been surviving in hell because of all these negative thoughts.

One person inspired me a lot these days -- Kate Winslet -- she has prepared herself since young for the day she gets her Oscar prize. It has made me think, that good things do need preparation; and it certainly worth more preparations compare to the bad ones.

Why should I pay so much attention trying to avoid the dog poo hidden underneath the autumn leaves, and missed the beautiful sceneries of the Fall? I may not even step onto one anyway; even if I do, I still didn't miss the beautiful sceneries, right?

I am now struggling in a pool of sewage water, I really hope to get out of this soon. Do you think I can find some diamonds in this pool of sewage? I must change my focus, onto something else, so that I won't get so bothered with the foul smell, and the shyte of the surrounding... I must get myself comfortable, so that others will jealous over my chance to swim in the sewage water.