Violin Lesson 5

It has been raining, I went for the once a month voluntary work in the morning, violin lesson afternoon, and have been feeling really tired after starting my assignment in the project department for only a week.

One of my violin classmate decided to terminate her lesson, due to work load. Two of the other classmates can't make it for today due to the weather. There were only six of us including the teacher.

I realised some physical constraints of my fingers, and my technique to press the strings, I hope I can improve on that. The teacher taught us to play with A string, and some variations.

We were told to buy a music stand. I wonder if I need to carry that to study every weekend... It is going to be troublesome.

I have changed a lot of my habits since picking up the violin -- from cutting my finger nails so deep into the skin, that the skin underneath the nails are shrinking inwards; carrying an umbrella no matter where I go, so that the violin doesn't get wet; having very ugly fingers that peels off all the time; picking every 15-20 minutes chance whenever I can to play the violin.

I wonder if the determination will fade off one day. Just like how I feel about working these days.
I love this job, I love this company, but I dislike the management. I dislike the fact that people put more effort to push their responsibilities away than getting the work done; I dislike the lies that told by people blatantly in front of me; I hate that I have to let the obvious mistake fermant; I hate to always have to give ways; I don't know what kind of attitude must I have to face these social issues. Call me stupid, cause I really don't have any social intelligence, to act appropriately under each circumstances.

I hate people telling me do whatever I can, or try my best. Because I know I can do a lot of things, and my best is yet to be used. But the fact is, in life, quite often, you don't need to do what you can, and you don't need to do your best. Because it will only push you deeper into the quicksand. I don't know when do I have to be honest, and when do I have to do my best.

How much determination must I have in order to pull through the journey into music? How much determination must I have in order to succeed in my career? How much determination must I have in order to stay alive?

After the voluntary work this morning, I somehow feel that life is so vulnerable, so fragile and so sick, but why are we still fighting to stay alive? Fight of flight, I guess I have used up all my energy to fight, that now, I only want to flee away from all problems, sleep and never awake again. I am too tired...